It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
