I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
