Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
