the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
