Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
