Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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