So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
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hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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