i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
