Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
