Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
