Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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