i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
