I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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