I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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