Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just forgot I was standing up.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
