People with herpes should wear stickers.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
