CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
