I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
