I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
