Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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