he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
