Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
