So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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