Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
