Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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