Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
