sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
