who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
People in love make me want to vomit
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
