she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
