Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
