found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
