I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
