Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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