my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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