I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
