I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have feelings that need drinking.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
