I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
only if we run a train.
done.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
