it wasn't lemon gatorade
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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