I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
