Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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