No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
