I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
