Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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