I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
