God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
