look no pants
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
