Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it hurts more in the daytime
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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