Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
