I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
