Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
