i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
vagina is talking i cant
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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