Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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