Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
