Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
