You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
