I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
