he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
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I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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